My E-diary

Hey guys…Long time haven’t been complaining bout life here. Well, that is because no matter how much I complain, things will just stay the same, won’t it…It won’t go away by itself no matter how much I scream at it…very stubborn..just like some ppl I know…hehehe..Well, things are fine here…But then again it’s how you define fine…Fine in an odd way, fine in a war zone, or just plain fine…But overall…it all comes down to fine…Forgive me for blabbering…Guess my brain is a bit damaged from the time I went bungee jumping…Hang on…I have never been bungee jumping…forgive me if I have forgotten when I had my brain damaged…Gosh…I don’t even know what am I writing…Tell me if you do, cos I haven’t got a clue…hahahah…Just feel like laughing out loud like a maniac but can’t cos lots of other students are here with me…and I don’t want to freak them out. Btw, I am sure you guys know bout the incident that happened to Ah Phoong’s beloved Twins…hahaha…even I am over here also I know…wanna guess how…The way she goes on about it…u get an impression that they might be dying of AIDS or something…heheh…Once she reads this, she’ll give me an earful bout what she thinks of me…And it won’t be good things…It’ll start with "Sek Si" and end wif "Hui Sei"…hahaha….I am playingtraunt today…I am suppose to be in Bio lecture but didn’t feel like going bcos today is about meiosis…and we have done that in sch…I am starting to get bored bout Bio…especially plants…hahaah…but I am definately going for the next lecture….Cos we are learning bout Sex organs….And I am sure it won’t be boring….hahahaha….Can’t wait….Gosh, I sound like a sex maniac…I must be scaring u all, I am definately scaring the girl sitting on the PC next to me….She is giving me this weird look….Gotta go…Wanna enjoy my one hours break as much as I can….Take care, my darlings….I am so missing u all…*kisses*….

Finally after a long wait…My results are coming out. But I have kept on checking my student intranet but yet…still nothing…Are they doing it on purpose just to keep their students in suspense…Just now in Chemistry tutorial the questions starting with "What if…" kept on popping into my head..I couldn’t even concentrate while doing the quiz…Luckily, I managed to whiz in it…Which is really surprising because normally I suck in Chemistry…What if my G.P.A is lower than 7? What if I am the lowest in the class? What if I was so bad that I had to resit this whole course again? What if I don’t get an A for my English? SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Typing this makes my heart race…I am so damn nervous…MAN!!! I feel like strangling someone…Anyone…But preferably one of the teachers…The one that hasn’t let out the results to be specific…I really hope I can do well this time…And yet I dare not put my hopes too high…The higher they are, the bigger the disappointment…That’s what I have learn from past experience…I went to check it again, but still NADA..Gosh, I’m nervous…Well…Wish me luck…If the Star newspaper’s headlines tomorrow states "Malaysian Student Jumps Off High Rise" you should be able to guess that you know who that Malaysian student is…Well, that’s all for now…I’ll keep you all posted…That is if I don’t jump off any building…Love you, darlings…

Today is Monday, I have just finish my first class…Yet, I can’t seem to remember what had happened just minutes ago…I seem to be floating everywhere…Body one place, mind at another…Or should I say body in the present but mind in the past…When teacher asked us to open up our books, all I see are words that don’t make sense..Words that seem to be useless to express the way I feel now…To express the depressing feeling and the ache I am going through…When I looked in the mirror this morning, I was sure that the girl in the mirror wasn’t me…The image had the word "loser" written all over her…Why can’t I simply win? Why? Why must I be a "loser"? Why do I feel like a loser? It’s horrible, I can’t seem to bring my mind back to the present no matter how much I try. The phrase "Do not cling on when it is clearly over" was useless…I kept on reminding myself yet it would be the same as reminding myself that ET is real…Useless…completely useless…Regret…Now that’s one word I am looking for…Never in my life have I felt a bigger regret than this…I regret it so much that now I am having a phobia of doing it again…My friends tell me not to blame myself…not to find fault in myself…but why is it that all I see is my FAULT? My WEAKNESS? I deserve to be miserable…Sigh…Today, I had trouble getting myself out of bed…Cos all I wanted to lie under the covers, safe from the world, safe from reality and just die…Die in fantasy…That’s what I wanted, but the thought of making my parents disappointed was the only reason I managed to climb out from bed…The only reason that refrained me from jumping back in…Right now, I just feel like taking a bus to far far away…away from everything, away from everyone….I’ll be taking a bus to the city later, and this idea is very appealing…If you guys get news that I am missing, don’t worry…I am just staying with the society that can’t hurt me…can’t hurt my dignity and heart…I’ll be staying with Mr. Kangaroo and Mrs. Koala…I’ll stay there till the "loser" feeling just fades away…Which I am hoping i’ll come back in time to see my sisters graduate…Got to go, my darlings…I’ll see you guys in a few months time…Can’t wait to get out from here…to get out from all my worries and past…I love you all…Do take care…That’s all from the world’s biggest loser…