My E-diary

I miss her, whether she misses me…I do not know. I think of her, whether she thinks of me…I do not know. I loved her, whether she loved me…I do not know. I care for her, whether she cares about me…I do not know. Looks like I don’t know many things about her now, do I? I used to…really I did…I knew her so well, that sometimes I even knew what she was thinking without her realising it…But now, her mind is a mystery to me…What is she thinking, I do not know…Have I changed? Has she changed? That I do not know…But what I do know, is that I had many happy times with her…I know that she was always there for me when I needed her the most…I know that she always liked things perfect and always will…And I truly believe that somewhere…In a void, there is the old her…looking for a way out…i know she will find her way…because I know her…

Hey, darlings…I went to this parade in the city on Saturday…At first when Ryan told me about this parade, I was like "Baby, you’ll be like a mountain standing in the crowd of small kids…Mothers would be afraid of you…" But then, I found out this parade wasn’t in the morning, or in the evening, it was at night, around 9…It was so late so that the younger folks cannot come out and speculate this "parade"…It was an all gay and lesbian parade!!! How cool was that….My first gay parade…So, a few  of us (including my few homophobic friends) headed down to the city…It was packed…People were everywhere…Dressed up in all kinds of costumes…I even saw this pair of girls walking aound like Superman, with their panties outside their pants…Some were dressed up like naughty nurses..Some like policewomen..Some guys even dressed up like girls, with boobs and everything…My friend said that maybe it is a parade for all the weirdos..not just gays and lesbians…Then the parade started..I got quite a good view of it, cos there were large tvs and we were just standing in the second row..It was colourful, and full of festive cheer…Gays and lesbians were walking around, proud to be who the are for the night…They were dressed as all sorts of things…Some as angels (from the Gay and Lesbian Catholic Church) Some as bats(from the Lesbian Soccer Team) some as rugby players (from the Gay Rugby Team)…There was even this women who had her top off…And when I mean top, I mean shirt and bra off..Talk about obscence…No wonder they had to have it at night…There was this guy who was fully naked, only with a sock covering his "birdy"…hahaha…There was this gay couple whose anniversary was on that day, and they kissed in front of the tv…I was a bit shocked by the openess they had…But that was considered mild, compared to the other couples I saw making out in the streets after the parade…I saw this lesbian couple, in the corner making out very obviously…My homophobic friend had to control himself from puking….hahaha…Well, it certainly was a once in a life time experience..It is certainly some parade you don’t see everyday….hahaha…take care, darlings…

My dear physics-studying friends (and even if you are not physics studying, but still my friend, please read on) I heard this question in lecture on Friday, and I can’t get a logical explaination on the answer…here goes the question…the river flows towards east at 10km per hour, and a boat travels East along the river…Under which situation will the boat arrive faster??

a) With no wind

b) With wind blowing from the west at 10km per hour

When the lecturer asked us to figure the answer out, most of us guessed it was b), but the lecturer was like "If the answer was so obvious, it wouldn’t be a physics question". So to our surprise, the answer was a)…A boy guessed it was both the same, but he was laughed at by the other students(poor boy, he was even sitting behind me)…I just simply can’t get the logic reason why the answer is a) Damn you Newton!! So please, dear friends, if you all know why does the damn boat travels faster without any wind, please tell me…then i can sleep better…hahaha….Thanks..Take care, darlings…

Well, nothing new, really…Just new teacher and new people….Lectures are bigger than usual…And I mean, way….lot bigger…It’s like 200 people in one lecture…Are there actually so many people in Australia…People are like sitting eveywhere…even when there are no more places, they sit on the friends lap and the on the stair too…(joking about the friend’s lap, but they DO sit on the stairs) And it’s like f***king stuffy in there…We are like breathing in other people’s CO2…Arrggghhh….I am taking bio, Physics, Chem and Maths this year…Seriously, I feel so so stupid in Physics…I haven’t studied Physics for one year, already, and now I have to again…Talk about KARAT!!! Luckily I got friends and Ryan to lean on to…or else I think I would go crazy studying…No homework, thank god…well, not yet anyway…but without giving homework, I am already out of my wits…Can’t imagine having assignments and stuff..Why can’t I take other interesting subjects, like French, or Psychology….I have been studying Science almost half of my life…Crazy!!! Hydrogen Bonds, projectile motion, vectors, prokaryotic, genes…Arrrghhhh…Feel like ripping my head of and kicking it away….hahaha…heheheh…(hysterical laughter)….Well..that’s all for…And to let you in on a little secret…i have not paid up my tuition fees yet…and it’s due today…So I got to go to the bank to get a cek, cos my stupid Efpos has a limited redrawel of 1000$…Why must even paying fees be so tough for me?? Oh well….Got to go before the lazy banks close at 4…that’s all now, mates…oh yeah, by the way…The best thing I am looking foward to, is buying a printer…hahaha….that’s the highlight for now…take care….love you guys very very muchie…

Hey, my darlings….Very very long time no write already….Have been busy with the exams coming up and stuff…But now, the exams are ALMOST over…last night, I sat for my maths paper…It was ok, I guess…You know me, my maths is so good, that I even scare myself..hahaha…Tomorrow is the last paper…It is Chemistry…And it is in the evening, so by the time we finish, it’s night, and the only places that are open by that time is the pubs…And i am not officially eighteen….So, are you thinking what I am thinking?? But don’t worry, we can’t get too drunk that night bcos the next day we have a graduation ceremony to attend in the morning and a graduation party at night…Sigh…just can’t wait for the exams to be over…I am now in the library…supposingly to be revising chemistry, but all my studying kaki all not here yet…So no mood to start studying yet…My mom is going back this afternoon to Malaysia…Happy and yet sad I guess, after all, she is my mommy…I am coming back on the 26Jan 07. Booked the ticket already…It’s a bit late, i know…But what to do…mom wants me to come back late…Have to work…I have been applying for jobs all over…Coles, Woolworths, Reject Shop, IGA…But still….No news…Guess no one want to employ me:’( Who would anyway…I make a lousy worker…Seriously!! I swore they said 10..but now is already 10.45….So unpunctual…not like us Malaysians…Lol…My friend has a crush on this Malaysian boy that just arrived in july…Not bad looking, i guess..i am starting to feel sleepy already…and I just woken up at 8.45…Must be bcos lacking of sleep lately…Arrrghhh…where are they…Can’t wait anymore…Must give them a ring first…Then when they arrive…All hell will break lose….I will turn in to the Incredible Beat..hahaha…Don’t know what to right already…So frustrating…Where the heck is Ryan and Elna!!!! Arrrgghhh……Feel like slapping someone now, and the guy next to me looks very tempting…lol…Seriously….They are so dead…Take care, my darlings…I will see you next year….Can’t wait…All my love…*Kisses*

Come here…Sit down and tell me what are you thinking when you look at me?? What are you thinking when you hug me?? What are you thinking when you look into my eyes and tell me that you love me?? Tell me what do you really mean when you ask me out for dinner?? Tell me what are your motives when you sit next to me in lectures and then just continue to ignore me?? Tell me what are you thinking when you say you are not angry with me, and that it is just you?? Tell me what the hell "hi" means when you say it to me and yet you dare not look at me?? Please, explain to me why one minute you’re so friendly and the next minute you are not?? why whenever I go online, I see you suddenly online, and then you immediately go offline?? Why?? What are you thinking?? What do you really want me to understand?? Why can’t you just tell it to my face like a man, instead of ignoring me?? Why do you keep on giving me mixed signals?? Do you like me or not?? If you don’t, then walk away…If you do, then stay…So simple…Don’t make me feel so confused…I am confused already trying to find fault in myself…I am confused enough trying to make up my mind between the 3 of you…Some one…Anyone…Just give me the answer…if not…Just leave me alone in peace…Love me or hate me….Make up your mind, please…Boys…What the f*** are they actually thinking??

Hey guys…Long time haven’t been complaining bout life here. Well, that is because no matter how much I complain, things will just stay the same, won’t it…It won’t go away by itself no matter how much I scream at it…very stubborn..just like some ppl I know…hehehe..Well, things are fine here…But then again it’s how you define fine…Fine in an odd way, fine in a war zone, or just plain fine…But overall…it all comes down to fine…Forgive me for blabbering…Guess my brain is a bit damaged from the time I went bungee jumping…Hang on…I have never been bungee jumping…forgive me if I have forgotten when I had my brain damaged…Gosh…I don’t even know what am I writing…Tell me if you do, cos I haven’t got a clue…hahahah…Just feel like laughing out loud like a maniac but can’t cos lots of other students are here with me…and I don’t want to freak them out. Btw, I am sure you guys know bout the incident that happened to Ah Phoong’s beloved Twins…hahaha…even I am over here also I know…wanna guess how…The way she goes on about it…u get an impression that they might be dying of AIDS or something…heheh…Once she reads this, she’ll give me an earful bout what she thinks of me…And it won’t be good things…It’ll start with "Sek Si" and end wif "Hui Sei"…hahaha….I am playingtraunt today…I am suppose to be in Bio lecture but didn’t feel like going bcos today is about meiosis…and we have done that in sch…I am starting to get bored bout Bio…especially plants…hahaah…but I am definately going for the next lecture….Cos we are learning bout Sex organs….And I am sure it won’t be boring….hahahaha….Can’t wait….Gosh, I sound like a sex maniac…I must be scaring u all, I am definately scaring the girl sitting on the PC next to me….She is giving me this weird look….Gotta go…Wanna enjoy my one hours break as much as I can….Take care, my darlings….I am so missing u all…*kisses*….

Finally after a long wait…My results are coming out. But I have kept on checking my student intranet but yet…still nothing…Are they doing it on purpose just to keep their students in suspense…Just now in Chemistry tutorial the questions starting with "What if…" kept on popping into my head..I couldn’t even concentrate while doing the quiz…Luckily, I managed to whiz in it…Which is really surprising because normally I suck in Chemistry…What if my G.P.A is lower than 7? What if I am the lowest in the class? What if I was so bad that I had to resit this whole course again? What if I don’t get an A for my English? SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Typing this makes my heart race…I am so damn nervous…MAN!!! I feel like strangling someone…Anyone…But preferably one of the teachers…The one that hasn’t let out the results to be specific…I really hope I can do well this time…And yet I dare not put my hopes too high…The higher they are, the bigger the disappointment…That’s what I have learn from past experience…I went to check it again, but still NADA..Gosh, I’m nervous…Well…Wish me luck…If the Star newspaper’s headlines tomorrow states "Malaysian Student Jumps Off High Rise" you should be able to guess that you know who that Malaysian student is…Well, that’s all for now…I’ll keep you all posted…That is if I don’t jump off any building…Love you, darlings…

Today is Monday, I have just finish my first class…Yet, I can’t seem to remember what had happened just minutes ago…I seem to be floating everywhere…Body one place, mind at another…Or should I say body in the present but mind in the past…When teacher asked us to open up our books, all I see are words that don’t make sense..Words that seem to be useless to express the way I feel now…To express the depressing feeling and the ache I am going through…When I looked in the mirror this morning, I was sure that the girl in the mirror wasn’t me…The image had the word "loser" written all over her…Why can’t I simply win? Why? Why must I be a "loser"? Why do I feel like a loser? It’s horrible, I can’t seem to bring my mind back to the present no matter how much I try. The phrase "Do not cling on when it is clearly over" was useless…I kept on reminding myself yet it would be the same as reminding myself that ET is real…Useless…completely useless…Regret…Now that’s one word I am looking for…Never in my life have I felt a bigger regret than this…I regret it so much that now I am having a phobia of doing it again…My friends tell me not to blame myself…not to find fault in myself…but why is it that all I see is my FAULT? My WEAKNESS? I deserve to be miserable…Sigh…Today, I had trouble getting myself out of bed…Cos all I wanted to lie under the covers, safe from the world, safe from reality and just die…Die in fantasy…That’s what I wanted, but the thought of making my parents disappointed was the only reason I managed to climb out from bed…The only reason that refrained me from jumping back in…Right now, I just feel like taking a bus to far far away…away from everything, away from everyone….I’ll be taking a bus to the city later, and this idea is very appealing…If you guys get news that I am missing, don’t worry…I am just staying with the society that can’t hurt me…can’t hurt my dignity and heart…I’ll be staying with Mr. Kangaroo and Mrs. Koala…I’ll stay there till the "loser" feeling just fades away…Which I am hoping i’ll come back in time to see my sisters graduate…Got to go, my darlings…I’ll see you guys in a few months time…Can’t wait to get out from here…to get out from all my worries and past…I love you all…Do take care…That’s all from the world’s biggest loser…